My RBF. Toxic Positivity. Sexism.

Foreword: I write this from my point of view with CIS men and women. While I did create this platform to provide a safe space to spotlight women, their stories, and experiences,  I want to make it apparently clear that I want to hear the voices of every gender identity. I will not tolerate hate, and it will be inclusive for everyone, regardless of gender identity, race, ethnicity, disability, age, or sexuality. While each person will have different experiences, this is my version, as your basic B white woman. Regardless, we all have a unique story. And just as I want my version heard, my goal is to make way for all of your stories as well. So don't come at me with "not ALL men" or "not ALL women." Good talk. Ok. Let's do this shit. 

I had a dream. No seriously, I owned a wine bar, and it was called RBF. I credit that dream for the Tiffany Epiphany that followed shortly after this event.  

Picture yourself: The average insane day. You woke up at 5 am, walked your dog, made coffee, checked emails, cleaned the kitchen, worked all day, missed lunch, popped Adderall, cried because you need a nap, worked some more, got yelled at by your boss who clearly hasn't addressed her emotional traumas and is out to diminish other women so she feels better about her lack of self-worth (certainly NOT a true story), hugged your knees and cried in the shower, finished off the pot of coffee, somehow made it to a workout, punched the fuck out of a bag where you envisioned a certain woman who diminishes women to feel better about her lack of self-worth, and somehow slithered into a grocery store for brussels sprouts, a block of cheese and 2 bottles of wine. The dinner of champions. 

You just want to get your items, go home to snuggle your dogs, watch 90 Day Fiancé, and contemplate your life choices. You are trudging through your personal Disneyland that is Trader Joes, and then all of a sudden...he appears. 

You could have never imagined that it would happen in this moment. If you knew your life would change today, you probably would have thrown on some mascara and a coat of nail polish on your chipped talons. 

Our eyes meet. 

Today is the day. 

Who is he, you ask? Did I meet my soulmate? Abso-fucking-lutely not. 

His name was probably Todd. For all intensive purposes, we'll call him Todd. 

If you know, you know. 

Todd looks at me and say, "Oh sweetie. You'd be so much prettier if you smiled."

Todd apparently wanted the wrath of Welton today. 

TODD also missed the fucking memo that I wasn't here to adjust the level of fucking beauty in his very narrow line of sight. 

This isn't the first time that this has happened. This is probably something you have experienced as well.

What would you do? I know what I would have done in the past. I. Fucking. Smiled. Not because I was flattered, or agreed with this asinine statement. Women are so often conditioned to do and say anything to just be left alone, take attention away, protect the fragile male ego, all out of our own safety. Today, I will pair those same fragile man tears along with my wine. Medium bodied with notes of dirt and a finish that feels rather douchey. 

In a lateral topic: Have you ever been walking down the street, and a man is walking towards you. You are in the same path. If you were cars, someone would have swerved by now or you'd be exchanging insurance information. He is just charging towards you. Unaware. You are small. He is bigger. He is the lifted truck with a roaring engine ready to side swipe your 2014 Toyota Corolla. Again, what do you do? You're thinking, he would move. He's a gentleman. He would step aside. 

I totally get it. I would have thought the same thing. But he doesn't, and you find yourself moving out of his path. Fucking conditioning. 

A few years ago, I listened to a TED Talk that changed me by Tracy Ellis Ross. She tells an eloquent story about her friend in a busy post office. As a man was trying to get by her, he proceeded to put his hands on her waist, and he literally moved her out of his way. In the same instance as I had with Fucking Todd, she realized how often this happens. That we are in the way. We are required to be performative. There is a subconscious power that we can just be moved without consent. There is a belief we will just clear the path as they barrel down the street. And of course, we'll be pretty as we are forced to move. 

Listening to this, I saw every action we are programmed to perform:

Be small. The smallest weight. But not too small. That's gross. 

Be quiet. Don't be loud. That's not classy. 

Be agreeable. No one likes a bossy bitch. 

Being hit on? Not interested? Lie. You have a boyfriend. God forbid you say "no thank you." You would be called ugly or fat or something else demeaning due to a bruised ego. 

Show some skin. Don't be so uptight. Such a prude. 

Fucking put on some clothes. Men can't be controlled or held accountable for their actions with you dressed like that. 

This isn't new. We all KNOW this. It is ingrained into us. 

Here's the problem: We are still being quiet. We are still not wanting to create an "uncomfortable" environment or space if we speak up and share our experiences. 

How many more times do we have to sit quietly while an inappropriate joke or comment is made? How many more times do we have to stay silent in fear of being told to "lighten up" or get over it, it's obviously a joke.  

Men. Be better. 

Women. We have to learn how to safely speak up in our own skin and communication style and stop quieting the uncomfortability. That's not a word. But let's fucking make it one. 

Men. I know you are not all bad. But let me ask you this: How are you holding "the others" accountable? Shutting down jokes? Inappropriate conversations? Putting your ego on the line to protect your mother, your sister, your wife?

Women. The "I don't get along with women...I'm a guy's girl." It's time to dig deep. What happened in your journey to make you feel that way? Are these old mental models holding you back from growing and thriving?

Men. You say you treat women well, but ask yourself, is it all women or the ones you find attractive?

Bottom Line.

Regardless of how you identify: Dig deep. How are your life's experiences and traumas showing up in your every day life? Are you continuing bad family cycles by viewing others negatively that might be different from you? Let's start listening to ourselves and each other. Stop the performative bullshit. Ask for authenticity and deliver empathy. How are you taking care of your deepest wounds, and how are you showing up for those around you?

And that RBF you're rocking. I love it. 

And guess what?! It doesn't always have to be a Resting Bitch Face!

It can be a Restful Beautiful Face. 

Resilient Bold Face. 

It can be whatever you want. 

You get to dictate what that is without the needed approval or appeasement of anyone else. 

Whatever face you bring here, we want it to always be authentically you. 

Show up for yourself. Show up for others. Show me your RBF. 

The American Psychology Association defines toxic positivity as the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.

When I was in grad school, the final thesis requirement was to include the integration of a leadership development book that embodied the type of executive we strived to be. 

I am a natural nerd for this. I love books, podcasts, and music that speaks to my soul, encourages me to dig deeper, understand myself more clearly, and guides me to better and stronger versions of myself. I've convinced myself that Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach will soon be my friends. I also think Brené Brown will ask me to open for her on the next speaking tour. I'm happy in my delusional world. 

As much as I love them, I didn't want the traditional or best seller. I wanted to deep dive into the ideas, dreams, and innovation of women that are laying the path before me. I knew I had to feel their grit and determination to get that seat at the fucking table. 

As I started the research and discovery on my topic, I went on an Audible frenzy (I was also still working in a role that was on call 24/7 and taking full time classes...don't judge me). As I drove from funeral home to funeral home, (yes, another fun story about my past jobs....add it to the list of things to talk about over bubbles) each and every book I was listening to had the same fucking message. "I got to where I was because I was positive!" "I got my promotion because I stayed positive!" "Fake it 'til you make it, and smile more!" "Don't let your colleagues or team know you're struggling!" "Always say yes! Show initiative!" "Boundaries will make it seem like you're not ready to hustle!" "Being positive is the key to all motivation of your team!"

I call bullshit. All damn day. 

So what these women are telling me is that I should sit at the table, smile, simply do what is told of me, stay quiet, be small, and just be grateful for being there. 

Let me be clear. My personality is not to be a devil's advocate. I don't argue just to argue. That was my grad school experience. People that will fight you on the sky not being blue. 

But I have always been told that I am negative. I apparently go straight to what could be wrong, or the hard parts of how I am feeling rather than just saying "I AM GREAT!" But deep down, I didn't feel negative and I still don't. I feel deeply, I hate small talk, and I want to know what makes people passionate, sad, and mad. 

There are 6 main human emotions and 5 of them are "negative." How are we supposed navigate life, our relationships, ourselves if we are chasing happy? Why is it so bad to understand my anger, how it drives me and how I can make a real change? Why shouldn't I be sad when I am in self discovery even if I don't have something tangible to blame it on? I never want to stop learning and aligning my life with new information and emotions. Happiness doesn't equal happiness to me. And I certainly don't want the people around me to feel as if they have to mask their emotions and pain. That doesn't feel real. It's not authentic.

During my time on leadership teams, I looked around the table and and felt as if the other women were performative, exactly like what those women wrote about in their books. Smiling, agreeable, laughing at the inappropriate jokes even if offensive, saying yes even when they really feel overwhelmed, and always exuding the most inauthentic positivity. I would speak up, share concerns, set realistic expectations and goals, and advocate for my team and clients, without a smile. My bosses would say I need to work on my positivity and attitude, even though my client retention and relationships were consistently over performing. So bringing my strengths to the table always felt like a problem. It was exhausting, but I have never been great at conforming. I didn't feel as if I could be successful authentically.

I truly believe that we do not grow if we are not exploring other ideas, thinking about situations differently and even trying things we've done before. I live for respectful honesty. If I see potential issues in a strategy or new implementation, I want to voice it, even if there are conflicting opinions. I want my team to ask questions, understand the big picture, think for themselves, feel confident to make decisions and feel proud of the work they do. I get jazzed seeing future badass leaders emerge. I prioritized having them know their value in the job market and encouraged them to fight for what they deserve. What I don't want is to watch my employees struggle to work and exist during their tough moments and stages in life. Let's figure out a plan together. Let's put the human back into the workplace...authentically. 

Once the term toxic positivity became mainstream a few years ago, and as I learned more and understood the damages it causes for those suffering or attempting to be seen and heard, I finally felt validated. I felt fucking understood. It actually made me angrier....but let's be honest...that's not a surprise. All of those good vibes only, things could be worse, be grateful for what you have, and just be happy comments are absolute garbage. Things could always be worse, that's true, but how does telling someone that their own experiences aren't actually that bad become helpful? Guess what? It. Doesn't. 

Do a little emotional work today. How are you showing up for your friends, family, and colleagues? Are you diminishing their experiences in an attempt to make the situation better? Are you asking people to ignore their feelings and their instincts? Are you the one that might be uncomfortable when things get hard for others? That's ok if you do, but I encourage you to do a few things: 1. Dig deep into your life, how you grew up, if forced positivity was a coping or survival mechanism. 2. Listen. Don't offer advice. Ask questions. 3. Still lost? Follow @sitwithwhit on Instagram. Dr. Whitney Goodman is a licensed psychotherapist, and she has published a book all about toxic positivity and how hurtful it can be. She consistently posts brilliant techniques and tools on how to be emotionally and psychologically supportive. I love the work she is doing in allowing others to be seen, heard, and validated. 4. When all else fails, show up. And if you still don't know what to say, simply ask: "How can I best support you?" 

And taking it back to the funeral homes in a truly morbid ending: People can die in 20 feet of water. People also can die in 5 feet of water. Just because your problem might feel bigger, it doesn't mean that the issue you are shutting down in someone else isn't just as big to them. Email me for a better analogy. Hug a funeral director today. 

Question: Why are men never being asked to smile? Why does not smiling equate to us bitches, prudes, and uptight?

Telling a woman to smile or commenting that she has a resting bitch face is a sexist statement that's used as a means of control to be performative, smaller, and takes the focus away from who we are, what we stand for, what we are passionate about but rather what we look like. Categorization and stereotyping of positivity and femininity shouldn't override authenticity . 

I say we do three things:

1. Ask for an explanation. 

This is always a fun one for me. "You'd look prettier if you smiled" or "Wow, quite the resting bitch face!" My response: "I don't understand. Could you explain?" It forces someone to take ownership of what they are saying. Clarification will be a real shit show. "I'm confused as to why it bothers you. Could you tell me more?" Just let the grave digging begin. This is fun for any appropriate comment, joke, or story that we have been forced to fake laugh at in meetings for years. It's time to take the power back, fuckers. 

2.  Take the lead. 

In conversations with friends, bring up the topic. Educate on why referencing someone's appearance, even as a joke, takes away from what they are capable of. It also subtly diminishes women in leadership and high powered roles. Let people know it also contributes to toxic positivity that is mostly forced on women. Ask your friends to hold people around them to higher standards. If they are staying quiet, they are contributing to what has held back women, persons of color, and our LGBQIA+ family for as long as we know. 

3. Redefine what RBF means to you. 

You're planning your future business. You've forgotten to schedule your mammogram. You're replaying when you were laughed at in 4th grade. You're wondering what your partner meant when he texted "ok" earlier. These are the random thoughts going through my head as I'm working, running errands, or punching bags at the gym. My RBF is multifaceted. It shows my passion, my running to-do lists, my ability to create a dramatic sitcom out of nothing. But most importantly, it shows that I am constantly striving to understand my life, how my experiences have shaped me, and what I strive for in future versions of me. 

In your most authentic moments with just you and your thoughts, what are you pondering? What do you feel?